I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
