So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
