My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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