the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
