I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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