someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
