Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Quick, to the slutcave!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
