Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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