I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
