My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
