I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
