i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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