thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
