Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
