The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
