$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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