You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
