I just threw up on my dentist
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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