Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
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would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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