I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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