the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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