First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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