you're like a bully in the Christmas story
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
