The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
