oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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