I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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