Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
