Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
