true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
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David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
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I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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