You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
