you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
