i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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