Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
