so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
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Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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