My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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