does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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