he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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