remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The beer is more important than you right now.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
