You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
