you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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