A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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