i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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