Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
BRING THE BAGELS
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
