I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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