I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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