I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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