Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
