I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
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