The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
