So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
