Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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