it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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