She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
