I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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