well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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